Note: This entry might seem to ramble and contradict itself. This is because I learned a couple of things about myself while writing it. The person writing the first and last words are not entirely the same person, and I've decided not to go back and edit for clarity.
While I generally tend to be very secure in what I want out of life - where I'm going and what people I want to have around me (and in what relationships) when I get there - I've often found that I can be crippled by enormous insecurities in the day-to-day things that surround me. I've been brutally insecure about how people like me, where I am in a relationship, how things are progressing and so on. I'm not at all sure where this comes from, however. Maybe it's a childhood issue, maybe it's something that happened due to a negative experience in my teens, or maybe it's just a random series of events that made me hardwired this way. Whatever the cause, it's a fact of my life that I'm painfully aware of.
Overcoming my own insecurities is, in many ways, one of my largest priorities in life. It is sabotaging some of the most important things - some of the most important relationships - in my life, and I can't allow that to continue any longer.
Imagining that something is bad and then believing in your imaginations over the real world situation that you're actually in is a horrible way to live a life. You're tormenting yourself, which only leads to sabotaging the situation that you're actually in. You're imagining that people have feelings that they might not have, that they have motivations that they might not have, and that they are taking decisions that they haven't even considered taking.
One of the biggest steps that I've taken so far, I believe, is to admit to myself that I have all of these insecurities. Admitting to myself that I'm irrationally fearful over certain things, that I have thoughts that are without basis in reality, is a huge step in the right direction of fixing things. I've even come so far as to now be able to identify when I'm being insecure, even though the feelings still continue to arise within me.
The problem, at least for now, is trying to figure out how to push the insecurities to the side when they do arise. Being strong enough to say "I'm being insecure right now and need to stop it" is still a big step away from me. "I'm imagining a problem that doesn't exist". Some of it, I suppose, comes from my trust and control issues. I've been let down pretty badly in my life and learned that the only person I can trust in fully is myself, but that's hardly a way to live a life. Even if you don't fully trust somebody - yet - it should still be okay to open yourself up and be vulnerable. Irrational fear doesn't have to enter into it.
I need to accept that the relationships that I enter into, whether they be romantic or friendly, can be in any specific way that they turn out to be. I do not control them, nor should I even try to. Many of these insecurity issues come from my lack of ability to control a situation, which is madness, now that I stop to think about it. Why should I even try to control a situation? A relationship? Why should I have such a fixed idea about what kind of a situation I want to be in instead of taking things as they come? I'm my own man, I'm secure (enough) in myself, and I shouldn't need to try to control the situations that I end up in! I shouldn't need to try to steer things in one direction or the other. If I'm strong enough, I know that I'll be able to do the right thing in any situation that arises and not have any regrets.
I need to give myself, my friends, my family and - most of all - my partners, some room to breathe and be themselves without imposing myself onto their lives, controlling them and steering them in one direction or the other. I need to stop trying to read their minds and imposing my own ideas about what they think onto them. I need to stop forcing their hand.
Insecure people, a group that I've always felt a kinship with, look for signs of things that are not working. I want to start looking for signs of what is working, even if that is just my own strengths.
Things feel very different, all of a sudden.